The past year has been a roller coaster. Thank you Nanette for inspiring me to keep posting. I decided to go with St. Dymphna, the patron saint of depression.
Her story, like so many saints, is that her father started to desire her, after her mother died. She fled but her father caught up to her, and he killed her. Her miracles happened after her death. Very interesting.
Been doing some soul searching this year. I have decided to stop volunteering and focus on health. In the past 2 months i have been in and out of the doctors for sonograms and testing and finally a biopsy for fear of uterine cancer. It was not cancer...thank God.
I have lost several freindships recently. I am not the friend they thought I could be for them. I struggle with this, as it seems being myself is what they didn't care for. I wasn't there enough or I was there too much...which way is up at this point? so it has set me in a funk...
Friday, October 5, 2012
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I right this one with the best intentions...i am about to embark on a very long road trip...with 4 children...a husband and his parents. I have nothing against any of them. But I know my patience with be tried, truely. And it scares that crap out of me. I can only imagine that the reason it scares me is that i will be stuck...stuck there with people that will get irritated with my children...just as I do on a daily basis...however...I AM ALLOWED, they are not. St. Monica isn't technically the Saint of Patience...but she needed much patience. I need patience in other areas as well. I feel like there is something out there, something I should be doing...but I can't right now. Yet, I see my friends succeeding in whatever it is they are doing and I get mad...but not that they are succeeding...I get mad because I am not. I am stuck...caring for a nearly 2 year old and her 3 older siblings who, as of late, have develped a sense of entitlement that quite frankly, is pissing me off....but....i have to have patience....school will start in the less than 2 weeks. Lily will be off to school before I know it...and then surely by then...I will have a plan to succeed...what ever that success will be. So ... St. Monica....I need you dear friend....
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The past few weekends...I have over endulged, to say the least. I guess being held up with the kids all day...too hot to do anything but sit around....and with no energy to explain why I am sitting next to so and so and not "me"....I have resolved to hide out in my room when ever the opportunity happens...usually when my youngest takes her nap. I watch recorded shows, read a book, plan some event coming up....and watch the clock. At around 4:30, I feel slight relief in knowing my husband will come through the door and I will get a true break. A "retreat" if you will, as I am blessed that he does the majority of the cooking...(Thank you Saint Pasqual, Patron Saint of Kitchens and Cooks...) And he understands my plight and sends me on my way...now, if I am lucky enough to have an outting...I begin my "getting ready" ritual. And when I exit the house....I am free, if only for a few hours....but in the back ground I don't hear babies crying, kids arguing, or "Mommy
The first drink is the always the tastiest, coldest, and smallest. Why is that? So of course another is ordered. This one is less cold, but who cares....we feel good now! By the second one...you think, meh....whats one more? The fourth one, lets be honest we just order it out of habit. And yes....this mommy's night out is almost over.
Then...I get home and it hits. The rooms spins...and I am left thinking "what the french was I thinking? Really? Sick?" blegh. Never drinking again, I am a grown woman! What possesed me? The next morning, room still spinning...but of course we don't really get a day off/sick day so we have to put our big girl undies on...and be a mom...maybe just a fraction of a mom...but a mom nonetheless....Resolve to get thier needs met and lay down when you can. And by the end of the day, I feel better...can finally eat...and yes, hubby walks in the door...and thank you St. Bibiana, I can rest a little...the next day we start ALL OVER AGAIN. Less endulgent, and hopefully St. Bibiana can tap me on the shoulder before I order drink number 4. blegh.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I am going to go camping with my daughter tomorrow...it is a "Mom and Me" Girl Scout camping trip. Now...truth be told. I don't camp. I am a creature of comfort. I take my own blanket...a body pillow, and a regular pillow. Yes indeed...I am about comfort. I can't sleep in my own house much less a tent or cabin with other people in it. So...I lean on St. Agnes...the Patron Saint of Girl Scouts....their is a Saint for Camping as well...St. George, but it turns out he is the Patron Saint of Boy Scouts as well.... I will probably be conversing to both of them this weekend...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Someday...it will happen...I will own a business. My hope is sooner than later...but as a certain dear friend of mine keeps reminding me...be patient... so I am looking to St. Clitherow for patience....lots and lots of patience....
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I friend just posted this on FB: "Sept 11(NY), Jan 11 (Haiti), March 11 (Japan) Luke 21: 10-11 Then Jesus said to his disciples, Nation will rise against Nation and Kingdom again Kingdom, there will be great earthquakes famines and pestilences in various places and fearful events and great signs from Heaven." Jesus says "Behold I come quickly".
It struck a chord pretty hard...it seems like each tragic event is more tragic than the next...my heart is heavy for all the people who have been effected by all of these events...in the mean time...what do we do? Is being "right with God" enough? I am no Saint by any means...I could always do better, but I am not even worried about myself. What about my kids...the life they expect to live...the plans they are making for thier futures.
Growing up Baptist, I always heard about the Rapture...it was always a fear..."if you didn't do the right thing, you would be left behind..." Scared the beggezzezzes out of me. I am not sure that is what God intended anyone to do...to fear him? But, now...with so many things happening...the time between them seem to be getting shorter...I believe these are desperate times...I am scared... for my kids. For my family. for my babies. Why was I given such precious gifts? Only to fear they won't grow up free, strong, ...at all?
..."it will be better in Heaven...we will have new bodies, we will be perfect" My Grandmother used to tell me this whenever I questioned the Rapture...or dieing. She is perfect now...but I still don't like that answer...
So, St. Jude...this is me...a Mom of four...a wife, an imperfect human...looking to you for guidance and strenth...maybe even hope......Im not ready for all of this heavy. Its too much. =(
My husband is painting our house...starting with the kitchen....it is a wonderful blue color...so beautiful. It reminds me of the waters in Playa Del Carmen...I just love it. He, however...not so happy. But I know it the end...we will enjoy our (not so close to the) beach retreat we are creating...So we hope San Pasqual keeps my husband sane...especially since every one of our 4 children would like to "help"..... I may have to get that wooden statue pictured too....its kind a cool! =)